Let it be known, dear friends, that in preparation for the coming next birth-year of her life, her last year of her 30s, Elizabeth declared the Birth-Year of Enforcing Boundaries. And in that year, and every year thereafter, she was to take no more shit - emotional abuse - from anyone.
As her third (yes, third!) act of preparation for the coming birth-year, she wrote a declaration of boundaries for someone in particular, but she would enforce this decree with all who dwell in the land. She declared that these behaviors would no longer be tolerated by her, and her inner kingdom rejoiced and was proud: Disrespecting me
Blaming me
Lashing out at me
Shaming me
Bullying me
Dismissing my feelings
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Warning: Spoilers alert. If you haven't seen the film American Beauty and don't want to learn some of the details of the film, please don't read further.
The film American Beauty is my favorite film, and lately I've been revisiting my love of its protagonist, Lester Burnham. I've always greatly admired Lester's character, and in this blog post, I'd like to examine why. I recently read an excellent blog post analyzing the characters in the film. The post's author, Andrew, points out the ways that Lester behaves like a child in the film. Lester goes through a midlife crisis in which he lusts after a teenager, buys a Pontiac Firebird, quits his corporate job for a fast-food job, plays with an RC car, and starts pumping iron in his garage. Andrew argues that we should be disgusted by Lester's childish and inappropriate behavior, and in some respects, I agree. But I think that Andrew's statement that Lester is an "asshole" and is "not enlightened" doesn't do justice to the complexity of Lester's character. Like all people and all great characters, Lester is complex and is full of contradictions. Separating what Lester does from how he does it might shed some light on what can be admired about Lester's behavior and what cannot. I agree with Andrew that one of the main themes of the film - if not the main theme - is the harm that comes from "projecting an image of success at all times." The film shows us how toxic it is to engage in collective pretending and to live an inauthentic, dishonest life in which we must, above all, keep up appearances. Living this way creates an environment in which people are likely to repress their true selves and desires, to lash out at each other passive aggressively, to tolerate abuse and mistreatment from others in order to maintain the status quo, and to detach from each other or form superficial relationships instead of forming healthy and close relationships with family members and friends. Lester is fed up with the facade and starts calling attention to it by making honest statements. He says to his wife, "This hasn't been a marriage for years, but you were happy as long as I kept my mouth shut. Well, guess what! I've changed!" The film shows us the unhappiness that this facade has created and how unhealthy it is, and we can applaud Lester's courage to speak up honestly and stop going along with the facade. His rebellion extends well beyond him quitting his job and "sticking it to the Man" or buying a sports car. More important is that he tries to shatter the facade happening within his family. Admittedly, Lester doesn't always go about this the right way. When Lester throws the plate of asparagus against the wall during the brilliant family dinner scene, his behavior is inappropriate and uncalled for. But we empathize with him because clearly he is at his breaking point. The candles and dinner music are signs of the amount of effort exerted to keep up the "perfect family dinner" facade, and we can imagine that Lester has sat through these painful dinners every night for years, making "pleasant" small talk with his family, never discussing how he really feels, and tolerating his wife's condescension, criticism, snide comments, or outright abuse. Now we watch Lester finally set boundaries with his family at dinner, and it feels triumphant. We watch him tell them that it's no longer okay for them to disregard his feelings and treat him like he's "invisible." He says that "from now on we're going to alternate our dinner music because frankly - and I don't think I'm alone here - I'm tired of this Lawrence Welk shit." And when he says that, he declares that his opinion matters - that he should get a say in things like the dinner music - and that it's not okay for his family to take him for granted anymore. (This is obviously not the way I would recommend setting boundaries with family members, but the point is that Lester is finally doing it and finally being honest.) When Lester finds out that his wife Carolyn is cheating on him, he says, "You don't get to tell me what to do ever again." Yes, that comment is much like what a teenager would say to his mother (and Carolyn behaves like a mother toward Lester), but Lester isn't simply being childish. With that comment, Lester is setting boundaries with Carolyn, telling her that she can't control, mistreat, or shame him any longer. By no longer "keeping his mouth shut," Lester sheds a light on his family's communication problems, dysfunctional behaviors, emotional distance from each other, and general unhappiness. In reaction to him pointing out the family's facade, his family members will either have to face the dishonesty and dysfunction in their family life, or they will need to double-down on their denial. But because of Lester's actions, they can't simply keep the facade as it has always been. Unfortunately, despite Lester's efforts, his wife Carolyn chooses to double-down on her denial. Lester tries to create a moment of intimacy and emotional vulnerability between himself and Carolyn when he fondly recalls a memory from when they were dating, reminds her how joyful she used to be, and asks her when she became so joyless. She says she isn't joyless, but clearly she is. (Her affair isn't actually bringing her joy but is allowing her to remain in denial about her unhappiness.) She pulls away when Lester offers her an opportunity to become intimate with him again and maybe start to heal their marriage. Instead she is afraid he'll spill beer on the couch. Once again, Lester honestly describes an aspect of how their marriage is dysfunctional: the pursuit of financial success above all else and the neglect of their relationship with one another. He says to Carolyn, "This isn't life. This is just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts." Lester isn't merely having a midlife crisis, acting childishly and selfishly, and trying to relive his past. He is having an awakening, and he's trying to create an awakening among his family members. Lester's awakening is an awkward, messy, and sometimes ugly one that includes a sports car and lust for a teenager. But it is an awakening no less, despite the form it takes. Maybe it's an awakening that happens alongside a midlife crisis. Regardless, in my view, Lester evolves throughout the film as he tries to reconnect emotionally with his wife and daughter. His evolution culminates in a moment toward the end that defines whether he's simply having a midlife crisis or whether he's having an awakening. In that moment, Lester has to choose whether to have sex with or to form an emotional bond with the teenager he so desired. In that defining moment, Lester chooses to forego teenage fantasy in order to experience emotional intimacy. That intimacy is something he has lacked in his family for a long time, and he's hoping "it's never too late to get it back." If Lester's quest for emotional intimacy isn't already clear by this point in the film, it's made explicit when the teenager asks him, "How are you?" and he responds, "God, it's been so long since anybody asked me that." Maybe he realizes that emotional connection is what he really wanted all along and that his fantasy was how he coped with the upheaval he caused in his family by seeking it. From his monologue at the end, it certainly seems that way to me. In Lester's character arc, he develops the courage to start speaking honestly about his feelings and his family life. He may not always do that in the most appropriate way or in a healthy way, but we can admire him tremendously for having the courage to try to shatter the facade, to no longer remain silent about harmful behaviors, and to demand to be treated with respect and consideration. We can admire him for waking up, realizing that living a fake life based on appearances is hollow, and having the courage to try to wake up his family. I can't help but feel that Lester is my hero when I watch him stop suffering in silence, start advocating for authenticity, try to reconnect with his family, and rail against the denial and collective pretending that the film shows us are so toxic and destructive to a family. |
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